dreaming within a dream

I was standing there at the door, She walked ahead of me to the couch and asked me to sit along. I had not seen her in too long..

we sat there where it was just enough aurora, for us to see eachother’s face, that beautiful view, how could I ever forget..

those eyes I remembered, had me gone crazy when they looked away! She passed me chocolate saying consider it as her birthday cake..

oh well, bad my reflex. I turned down. She has put it on the table with few other chocolates around. She mumbled something, I didn’t catch..

She’s in a room with no one else around but me and She’s not even looking at me. to that I thought, was I not there or shouldn’t have been??

*clears my throat* you knew I was there, every other day ready to hear.. but didn’t so once you tried to hear from me, I said..

I know I know, you were there, you’ve always been. please stop, I don’t want to listen. I’m passed that chapter of life. She says.

you would know when I’m not with you I said, as I wake up from deep sleep and there’s no you…

did you mean these dreams are chapter too?

So, I guess six years is not less of time for one to forget someone .. I had not loved her that entire time, I had not talked to her that entire time, her thoughts may have crossed my mind but never once it came out this hard on me. that night, I slept with my headphones on listening to some old ass song.. I pictured her just as She would be now, in my dream.. She sat next to me in that while, I started saving her face in my mind, She told me She’s independent now but for so many times She has cried..

I wondered why, so I asked her and She says never has She ever got me out of her mind. I’m blown away. How my restless heart managed to believe that I would never understand, and I said, it’s rubbish of you saying that, six years gone you didn’t ask of me once.

She’s exaggerated sorry and She kept it on repeat… all that time I was figuring out the last time I had seen her as She looked entirely different now, She’s grown too strong perhaps or I’ve grown too weak, She tells me She’s engaged again.. I congratulate her with best wishes, I feel nervous break down. She’s been engaged twice and never did She ever think of me to be aware of that. it’s understandable, She’d be thinking I’m moved on too, yes I have, why were we together even if it was just a dream for the love of God…. when will it ever be how it has been?

I asked her, are you happy? she’s looking away.. i asked her again and maybe she didn’t listen, I felt ignored that very moment, I asked her to do me a favor and tell me to leave… she’s insisted for me to stay… no… Khuram don’t leave.. okay, fine but you don’t look away, I’ll show myself out if you do that again i told her…

she told me to not to look at her like that, i might have been staring at her, she had changed so much, she looks as she’s mature as me, I remembered she used to ask me if she should go outside .. that day long gone.. we are not eachother’s time. i realized, so I asked her again are you happy? she didn’t answer any precise resting her head on my shoulder she says I’m not sure, I told her this isn’t right and tries to get up from where we were sitting, she’s feeling embarrassed again… oh God, i hate myself as i start to contemplate again!!

I sit back with her again, She’s started to tell me story of a boy wearing red tie. I knew it was me, it’s been so long, just let it be. I told her… you’re engaged again. you shouldn’t feel the same. look at you, you’re beautiful attractive and strong. Yes i am strong, but I’m not strong on the inside. she says smth like that…  why have you been on the outside then if you weren’t  on the inside..?

hold that thought right there, she’s told me off, I woke up and there’s no one except me on my bed.

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What not to do. 

Say what i felt like bubbling up inside me for years why has every aspect of my past related to my present and so seem aparent when in future..

A highly sensitive mind

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 “And those who were seen dancing were thought insane by those who could not hear the music.”
― Nietzsche

 

Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weak or broken.  But to feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being.  It is not the sensitive person who is broken, it is society’s understanding that has become dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated.  There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings.  Those who are at times described as being ‘too emotional’ or ‘complicated’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring, humane world.  Never be ashamed to let your feelings, smiles and tears shine a light in this world.

Of course, that’s easier said than done, because it can be so confusing, right? … Why you get overwhelmed by run-of-the-mill tasks that others take in stride.  Why you mull over slights that ought to be forgotten.  Why subtleties are magnified for you and yet lost on others.

It’s like you were born missing a protective layer of skin that others seem to have.

You try to hide it.  Numb it.  Tune it out.  But the comments still pierce your armor: “You’re overthinking things.  You’re too sensitive.  Toughen up!”

You’re left wondering what on earth is wrong with you.

People hardly understand your nature or when they do, they happen to start labeling it.
labeling since you happen to care too much, since you happen to love too much, since you happen to think too much..

but, what exactly happened to you and why did you become so over sensitive? what in your heart has died? why have your thoughts taken the toll and why do they don’t seem to help you get along with others?

In my mid 20’s I conquered this problem, kind of early isn’t it? but for a day I had to face many problems getting along with people I am close to, because just as much you expect as is just as much you get hurt, you start looking and suspecting the ones you love and things that didn’t matter then, now they do.. because of the meaningful search you find things more suspicious and hurting even if they don’t mean it

But when we don’t realize how to handle our sensitivity, we end up pushing too hard to keep up with everyone else.  We try to do what others seem to handle with ease, and try to do it better than them.  And this leads to problems.

eventually, you start pushing yourself away from them leading yourself to even worse situation, while the thoughts aren’t helping and you have no one else to talk to about it.
thoughts start bubbling up inside you and if you don’t let them out you should probably get ready to explode.

I’ve learned that many sensitive people feel isolated from others.  They feel misunderstood and different, and they usually don’t know why.  They just don’t realize that they have a simple trait that explains their confusing array of symptoms and quirks.

Demoness

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She grabs
what she wants
by the neck,
she traps
what she wants
by the nails,
digging in the grasp
of pain. Her desire isn’t gentle
It is an obsessive fire, a plague
to take in everything

A day well spent


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About some Watchmaker near my home. He’s been so busy fixing watches that he’s never cared for time and so how it passed next year would be 40 years of his dedication to this profession. He’s kind, he’s polite, he’s humble and he is not only of the kind. While i was standing there to get my watch fixed. People came up some were to get their watches and some were to give their rants about their watches and left because they were in hurry but would he care, he didn’t even worry about the time. He’s got two son one of them is an electrician at Saudia and the other one is becoming an engineer. On asking how he’d manage for their fees. He said, “people been so busy looking out for what they want and never get it. I have this small shop and all i do is fix watches I could never fix anyone’s time yet my Allah manages to sort out things for me”

Prepossessions.

Dream me into existence
As you would have me
Perfect, polished, poised
For without your pen
Birthing me into being
I would be nothing but a body
Void of any characteristic
But my desperation
For your words and
The injection of your ink
Running through my veins
Like heroine..

My little world

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Woke up today having the feeling to eat something good but there was no stove, hello there. I am a 9 years old boy. I am camping since I was born apparently here in my country most  poor people are camping But we don’t move or shift as normal people do. I wouldn’t say that I’m normal because for most people who live in their houses and have bikes or cars think like that for me. I have to go around half of my town to  collect stuff that at the end of the day I would sale to bring food which my mom and I would eat later . My father died in a road accident and I don’t think it’s his fault neither does it matter anymore now that whose fault was it. He’s gone and he don’t seem to get back. So, I am off without him now. My mom works too she’s a maid at some house where she does the cleaning and wash clothes. I pity her because she’s getting old and weak day by day also she take ill every week which is so not good as then I have to take care of her and there’s no way to bring any food home. For a day I have to wake up go out come back in the evening with some food and eat it. I do not plan my future neither do I will nor do I wish to because for me everything is at present.

Tomorrow is unseen and yesterday is gone but present is hungry and I wished to eat something good this morning. I am never gonna wish the same again.